


What Have I Done?

by mansikka



Series: Filling In The Gaps [30]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: M/M, POV Magnus, Sad Magnus
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-01
Updated: 2017-08-01
Packaged: 2018-12-09 23:04:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,005
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11678952
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mansikka/pseuds/mansikka
Summary: Magnus' spiraling thoughts after walking away from Alec





	What Have I Done?

**Author's Note:**

> Hello :) the summary is literally all this is, I guess it's sort of hopeful by the end, and was cathartic (sort of) writing it, so... here you are :) it's not been proofread all that well either, just to warn you. Now, back to rewatching clips from 2x18 until my eyes stop leaking... xx

The loft is too echoey, far too much noise occupying a space that is filled with nothing but ghosts. Of memories, of moments, of conversations Magnus never thought he’d ever open up enough to have with anyone, and yet. This room, this open space that he paces as though he’s searching for himself, this room has played host to so many of those conversations that he’d never thought he’d be having, and every last one of them with Alec.

 _Alec_.

Even just the thinking of his name is excruciating, and if he stumbles, clutches his stomach and lets out a torn, broken sob, well. He is alone now, he’s made sure of that, and there’s no one there to hear it, no one to offer up platitudes or comforts or any of the support Alec has shown him over the last few months.

Has it really only been months, Magnus asks himself, surprised, wondering then how, and why, it already feels like an eternity. Why would such a short-lived thing be so deeply rooted in his gut, snagging and catching on all the parts of him that only Alec has ever taken the time to, or wanted to get to know, and leaving him so raw in the wake of all that's happened?

What did I do? What did I do, Magnus asks himself, frantically, what have I done?

With an awkward scramble for his phone, Magnus scrolls through for Alec’s number, pointless since it’s always the first one in his contacts, and always the last number he’s called. He pauses, thumb hovering over the call button, staring down at the screen that has morphed through the formality of A. Lightwood, and Alec, and settled finally on his beloved _Alexander_ , a name that falls from his lips into the empty space around him like a prayer as though that might summon him there.

_What have I done?_

The weight of walking away from Alec knocks the strength from his legs, and for the first time in what has to be that century he keeps referring to, Magnus falls, actually collapses to the carpet with a thud to his knees, curling in on himself with his fists in tight balls gripped against his thighs, fighting the urge to let loose with his magic. Magic that will burn, magic that will scald, magic that will chase away this feeling that he is losing himself, because he’s pushed away the only thing he thinks has ever mattered to him like this in his existence. 

Tears come to Magnus then, proper, choking, guilt-ridden tears. The look on Alec’s face when he had turned away from him, Magnus doesn’t think will ever not haunt him, in fact it will probably replace the other nightmares that have been dancing behind his eyelids ever since Valentine, ever since that agony rune etched his memories in there not so long ago.

A small, insistent voice in the back of Magnus’ mind whispers reminders of Alec not recognizing him, of Alec help strap him into that chair that would have seen his very end. All his desperate confessions, all his stumbled-out words pleading with Alec to see him, to really see him at the moment when that mattered so very much, and he hadn’t. He couldn’t. It’s not the first time he’s thought it, and though Magnus doesn’t blame Alec, really, he doesn’t, what if some subconscious part of him does? What if him walking away as he’s just done, is little more than an opportunity for revenge for how badly he had been hurt by that?

No, _no_ , Magnus argues with himself, he didn’t blame Alec then, and he doesn’t blame him now. In fact, the only person to blame for this entire situation is himself; he shouldn’t have let himself fall, it is as simple and as obvious as that. If he had done nothing but notice him, stopped the spiral of words whenever he was in Alec’s presence that saw him flirting, inviting, coaxing Alec at every turn. If he hadn’t done any of that, Alec would be nothing more than a Lightwood to him. Meaningless, a Shadowhunter, someone to be mistrustful of and avoid at all costs. Not the reason that he can’t get enough air into his lungs when he’s not around.

He does trust Alec, that is the problem, Magnus sighs, sitting back on his haunches and for once not even paying attention to the creases he’s putting in his shoes, far too preoccupied with dealing with the mess that is now his face awash with tears that just refuse to stop falling. Not that he didn’t invite them, of course. Not that his actions weren’t what put them there in the first place.

But how did Alec keep something that important from him, another voice taunts him, arguing in defense of Magnus’ decision. How could he not know the impact that it would have on them, on Magnus’ entire way of life? How could he ever trust another word from Alec’s mouth, when he was keeping back something that important back?

 _Because you know Alec_ , Magnus tells the voice back, commands it to be quiet, because he does know Alec. He can know his mind without ever asking, know his thoughts without hearing a single word. He can hear the doubt in his voice if he’s uncertain and trying to hide it, and the tease in his tone if he’s feeling playful. He can even understand why he made the choice he did, Magnus sighs to himself, even if he’s on the receiving end of, and wounded by it. Were the situation reversed…

Magnus collapses into himself again, the weight of leading and responsibility curling his spine, when the only thing he wants to curl up into, is Alec. How he’s supposed to even pretend to sleep this evening, when it’s been so long that he’s even had to try without Alec by his side, is unimaginable. What is imaginable, is Alec alone in that awful, sterile, cold environment that is the Institute, when he should be tucked up in bed with him at home.

Home.

What have I done?

The Seelie Queen’s words slash into Magnus then, reminding him that he has more to think about than just himself. It shouldn’t take a relative outsider to remind him of his duties, he tells himself, but Magnus is so swept up in, so enamored by loving Alec, that at times when he’s not careful, he can barely see anything else but them. And instead of that love strengthening him as it so typically does, in this situation, when it matters so much, it has left him weakened. By making him want to be selfish. By making him question himself, his right to have something that is just for him, when he’s responsible for so much more. Made him vulnerable to distraction, put him in the path of making decisions that he didn’t ever want to have to make or have any involvement in, when for a while now, the only decisions he seems to have been making were where or what to try to surprise Alec with next.  

Choose. How can he choose? These are his people, and Alec is his world. He shouldn’t be, really, not after the mere seconds it’s been they have known one another, but he is, and Magnus needs him, oh, how he needs him, he misses him so much, and it’s only been minutes, and—

Magnus trips over his own thoughts and drags himself to his feet, shaky fingers reaching out to grab a decanter and pouring himself a trembling, generous measure that he knocks back without tasting a thing. Another, and the sting of it brings a moment of clarity, enough to slump Magnus down on the end of the couch, where he can replay once again all that he has been doing all day.

Alec, on his couch, Alec, in his bed, Alec with him in every way that he has been with him since their beginning. Alec, who loves him so fiercely, and so hard, and so much, that sometimes it’s like a furnace, and Magnus can swear he feels it through their calls or messages even when they’re apart. He smiles down at the phone still clutched in his hand, sweeps his thumb over the screen but doesn’t open it, doesn’t need to reread all the messages written there to recall any of the words that they’ve spoken.

He _loves_ Alec. He doesn’t know how to not love Alec. But this is different, their worlds are shifting, and there is so much at stake here that he has to get right, and ordered, if he can ever dare to be happy again.  

What if Alec thinks this, they, are over?

The question punches Magnus in the stomach, making him choke on the sip of drink he’s just taken and the phone to tumble out of his hand and to the floor. What if by walking away as he has done, by not voicing that he just needed a little space to figure out what is best to do for his people, himself, and for Alec; what if by not saying that, Alec truly believes that he is gone for good?

No, Magnus pleads, his eyes wide with fear and his heart pounding in alarm, _no_ , that’s not what I meant, that’s not what I meant at all.

But what if that’s how Alec hears it? Alec who takes things so very seriously, Alec who is only just learning to be himself enough to tease and joke, Alec who Magnus has seen go from the sweet, relaxed smiling man he loves to the soldier that he once disdained in the blink of an eye, in the presence of anyone other than himself. What if Alec heard a _forever_ in his goodbye, when he only meant a _see you soon?_

What have I done?

There is no portal fast enough to get him to Alec, but as he bends to retrieve his phone, Magnus’ eyes fall on the rose stuck into his jacket, and watch as the last of its color bleeds to black. She will demand an answer now, and he has no choice but to give it, no choice but to prioritize things he really doesn’t want to have to be prioritizing.

First, the Seelie Queen, Magnus tells himself, smoothing over his shirt and trying to school his face into something appearing to be calm. And as soon as he is done, he will go to Alec in person. This is not a conversation for a phone call, and he’s sure they both have a million things they need to say, to work this puzzle out.

This is not going to be easy. Any time away from going straight back to Alec is going to be wounding to Magnus, and add stubbornness to Alec’s spine, and perhaps rightfully so. For someone who has from the beginning of their relationship demanded that Alec be honest and open with him, Magnus has not always been that so easily himself.

But he kept it from me, says another voice, reminding him of the devastating blow that was realizing Alec had known about the Soul Sword all along. It’s enough to wind him, to have him doubling over yet again, but the Seelie Queen won’t wait for anything as meaningless as his heart breaking.

We can figure this out, isn’t that what Alec had said, Magnus tries to reassure himself, closing his eyes, and pleading with himself to calm. Yes, Magnus nods decisively to himself in the emptiness that is his room, they can, they will figure this out, they are too important for them not to. Just this one more, latest hurdle to get over, and then he’ll go back to him, Magnus tells himself, forcing breath into his lungs. Just one more hurdle, then he’ll find his way back to Alec. Find his way back to where he belongs.  


End file.
